The Scariest Halloween Costume of 2018 - A REPUBLICAN October 16, 2018 16:56


Dress up as a republican!

Imagine this, if you will: a 300-pound behemoth in a capitalist-blue suit with an impossibly long red tie is lurching down the sidewalk, a bouffant of Aryan hair flapping with every step. This is a blitzkrieg of a man, stopping only briefly to snatch bags of candy from frightened children, and taking one extra moment to shove them to the ground by their faces.

Now THAT is a nightmare of a Halloween costume in the eyes of a democrat. In fact, to hear it told, some of the scariest costumes this year may well be ones impersonating GOP members who the news has made out to be the worst of the worst as of late.

It seems like all a Grand Old Partier has to do anymore is show up, and the libtards are on their cells dialing 911, or online marking themselves “unsafe”. Charles Grassley we can understand. (Does that guy ever take his mask off?) And we’ll grudgingly concede there are a few others who sometimes give us shudders. So why not run with it?

The good news is that all you need to scare the daylights out of the leftist sheep this Halloween is a suit in Republican-issue blue, maybe a wig, and perhaps a prop here or there. With those simple items, you can portray any scary Republican.

Take Paul Ryan for instance, known in Nordic circles as Pall the Sadd. In your blue suit with an Eddie Munster wig, all you need do is keep your head downcast somberly, appearing to hold back tears, or that chili dog you unfortunately had for lunch. Here’s a bonus tip: use an eyebrow pencil to elongate the corners of your mouth to look extra-extra sad or urgent, as the case may be.

For Lindsay Graham you’ll need fake teeth. Let’s face it, the dude has teeth and he’s not afraid to bare them. You might have trouble finding fake ones quite so nice. In a pinch, get vampire teeth and snip off the ends of the ones that suck. To do Lindsay all the way, a little eyeliner never hurts either. Orrin Hatch presents more challenges. None of us are sure he’s still alive. Some zombie face paint might do the trick.

And just when you thought GOP costumes couldn’t get any scarier, HERE COME DA JUDGE! It's almost too easy to impersonate the Honorable Kavanaugh, plus you can have extra fun depending on what you wear beneath your robe. To get into full character, simply repeat passionately: “I like beer! I like beer! I like beer!” Say it ad nauseam, until someone finally gives you a freakin’ beer. If that doesn’t work, attack them with facial expressions. Use the pious crying face: “Please, please, could someone give me a beer!” The squinty ferret face: “Is that a beer over there? I want that beer.” The defiant face: “I am entitled to beer! I went to Yale!”

But if you don't want to go to all the trouble of actually dressing up in a real costume. And if you were raised right (or even left of center), you might want to consider slipping into one of the our shirts from the patriotic red-white-and-blue assortment at Merica Supply Co. Whatever your stripes, we have you covered in amusing American tanks and tees, proudly printed in the USA!